As an autistic person, I spent years trying to ‘fit in’, not stand out, not be the one who ends up with unwanted attention from others.  As a person with ADHD, the ease with which I am distracted from even the most important things confronts me full on every day.

As I got older, I realised that actually, I didn’t want to fit in, I wanted to be the real, authentic me but I still didn’t want any attention. One area I’d always struggled in was being (as I felt/feel), noticeably different both in terms of the way I look and the way I behave and what to do about it when I’m ‘out there’ in the world.  These things are going to attract attention but when you can’t cope with that attention and it drives you to the point of shutdown, something needs to be done.  Just being ‘yourself’ as so many well-meaning, allistic people say, is a great philosophy but when doing just that results in sniggers, stares, comments and sometimes rudeness from others, it just makes you feel upset and wanting to hide away.  But – this is life, we can’t hide away forever, (despite feeling like we want to at times).  

We need to go out to work, to medical  appointments, on public transport, into shops, attend meetings, school events etc and all these things can be high anxiety points for us anyway but when you add the often ill-informed and discourteous reactions from other people, it makes these things unbearable.
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For me – the whole issue was that part of me wanted to immediately go up to everyone around me and say, ‘Hey, I’m different so this is why I’m doing this, or need that’ etc. because by doing that, they wouldn’t have to stare at me and wonder why I was behaving as I was any more.  But the other part of me questioned why I should have to do this when I was as entitled as anyone else, to just be myself wherever I was.  And that dilemma raged and raged for a very long time and caused me much angst.

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When the sunflower lanyard first appeared, I thought it was a great idea.  Something that signalled to other people that you weren’t like everyone else in some way and might therefore, need extra consideration.  I saw them in a large shop some years ago with an explanatory leaflet so I took one.  Great!  I now wouldn’t have to even think about talking to someone and explaining everything – they’d just know.  (So I thought).  

Initially, it didn’t make any difference at all because I don’t think many people (including those that worked with the public), knew what the lanyards meant.  Also, unless you had a card of some kind to go with the lanyard, how would people know what you might be struggling with?  The cards were not provided with the lanyards and it wasn’t made particularly clear where to get them from.

During the pandemic, the sunflower lanyards were used by people to indicate that they were exempt from wearing a face covering.  In many cases, this was true and these people would likely have hidden conditions that mean wearing a face covering would cause them excessive discomfort.  Unfortunately though, there were a large number who commandeered the lanyards simply because they didn’t want to wear a mask for other, non health related reasons. 

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For me, that was when the sunflower lanyards became something that no longer correlated with being a disability aid and became something that anyone could get hold of and it just didn’t feel relevant to me anymore.

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So, in 2022, I decided to create my own lanyard.  Something that suited me, as an autistic person and fitted both my personal needs and my desire to create something that didn’t harm our planet.  From this starting point, I went on to design ID card type badges and badge holders and bracelets using materials such as leftover wood, hemp, natural gemstones and recycled steel.

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The reactions when I first wore the lanyard in healthcare settings were fantastic!  I’ll never forget the first time I wore one out at a clinic appointment that I was feeling particularly nervous about.  I’d been asked to wait in the waiting area but on getting there, it was not only packed with people but had a TV playing so I just couldn’t go in there.  I hovered about, stimming by a wall near the entrance doors and one of the staff came up to me and said, “I hope you don’t mind me saying but I’ve spotted your lanyard.  Would you like a quiet place to wait?”  Joy!  In less than a minute, I was waiting in a quiet room, by myself and feeling pumped up because I hadn’t had to meekly explain myself, the lanyard had done the work for me, the badge just bearing the words, “I am autistic.”

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And so there began my journey.  Surely what worked for me might work for somebody else too?  And ultimately, they are different in themselves, something unusual to look at and something you can use to express your inner vibe if you want to, knowing that you’re also minimising your environmental footprint.

This journey of creation was inspired not just by my own experiences and neurodivergence but also by my Dad.  My Dad was (yes, past tense) my rock and single most vehement encourager and although he proudly saw the beginning of this journey, he sadly cannot see it come to fruition.

If what I'm doing can help just one other person in our neurodivergent community, then I'm happy.